Clare Brook – Queensland Reviewers Collective

Perspective is everything – “It’s not what we’re looking at, it’s where we’re looking from!” 

The Greek philosopher, Socrates, said, “the unexamined life is not worth living”.   But such an examination is not as easy as it sounds, there’s a lot going on in the mind.  You need a guide.  John Broadbent is qualified, and now is a very good time to start.

Western society is in a transition period, a time when gender roles could do with some adjustment to fit the modern world.  Women want a fair go in the work place, help in the domestic arena, a strong reliable man, plus intimacy.  Quite a list.   Many men are trying to fit the bill but are struggling with identity issues.  Many others are reacting negatively believing they are losing power in an ‘us and them’ contest, and some are turning to right wing politics to make their point.

In Man Unplugged – Secret Men’s Business – For Men & Those Who Love Them, John Broadbent plots out a path for men to break free from society’s rigid ideas of masculinity.  And, right from the beginning, Broadbent emphasises it is not about ‘either/or’ but ‘and’, men and women respecting, listening, and supporting one another.  Quoting accurate statistics re male health, incarceration, violence, and death, he makes clear there is much work to do to improve the physical, emotional and mental health of men.

 Men: we have a problem.  The facts speak for themselves.  Now let’s get on with doing something about it since we are inherently good at fixing things, however not apparently ourselves.

As the title suggests, this is also essential reading for women to understand the obstacles men must tackle and how they can help their partners and sons.  I might add, although written as a guide for men, there are chapters that apply equally to women particularly dealing with unconscious hurt and grief, less than ideal father relationships, and how to strip back cultural imperatives to reveal an authentic self.  It takes work – here Broadbent provides a useful guide to living an authentic life.

First, and above all else, I heartily agree with Broadbent: this should not be about female power over OR male power over.  It has to be about male AND female working together, respecting and listening, with the goal of getting a result for future relations.  To do this a certain amount of ‘letting go’ needs to happen.  Many women and men harbor bitter resentment, nevertheless, to move forward freely this baggage needs to be jettisoned.

Broadbent discusses so many aspects of male life from mothering, fathering, the different types of intelligence beyond the usual IQ, relationships, sexuality, shame, divorce, authenticity, getting in touch with grief, learning how to deal with fear and anger so it is not converted to violence and drugs.  And many more topics within the twenty-seven chapters, Man Unplugged is a comprehensive well-researched work that provides wide-ranging references for websites and books for further study.  Broadbent also uses his own life, describing his personal psychotherapeutic journey.  To comment briefly on a few issues.

Broadbent dedicates a whole chapter to ‘Shame’.  Not many of us escaped discipline via shame, Broadbent discusses how shaming undermines self-worth.  Apparently, shame is an occupational hazard for men giving them a feeling of not measuring up.  Broadbent discusses initiations, or hazing, prevalent in private schools and the armed forces.  There is a link that goes from shame to humiliation to violence.  Psychiatrists now believe the shame-humiliation-violence trajectory is a root causes of endemic violence.  Crucial information.  Usefully, Broadbent discusses how to recover from shame.

In the chapter ‘Divorce’ there is another example of much needed information concerning man’s midlife crisis, which explains a well-known but misunderstood phenomenon.  Briefly, the steps are: man falls in love, marries and puts his goddess on a pedestal because she fulfils his missing half.  She changes in the course of having children etc, not quite the goddess image he initially sought.   Man redirects goddess image onto a younger women.  Marriage breaks up.  He feels renewed and happy … until …  younger girl dumps him, or she too loses the goddess image herself.  Man grows through his mid-life transition and wonders what on earth was he thinking, tries to return to family but ex-wife has moved on, if only emotionally.  This results in enormous financial burden and depression.  To quote Broadbent:

The saddest part is that there is a solution, and that is for men to do the ‘inner’ work.  That is to understand what it is we are seeking to complete us.

 Well, that is certainly good advice for everyone.

All women, married or otherwise, should read ‘The Man Cave’ chapter.  It is about how a man processes problems.  Firstly, he has to process what he is feeling.  I think women just know but it takes time for males to quietly work through his issues, so just wait until he emerges.

Chapter 20 ‘Boundaries’ and Chapter 21 ‘The Shadow’ both being applicable to men and women.  This really requires considerable thought.  Broadbent refers to Dr. C.  Jung’s book The Undiscovered Self, concerning owning your own shadow.  A strategy to unravel deep aspects of oneself in order to live an authentic life.  To quote Broadbent:

If we don’t create effective boundaries for our children, society will, and they’ll be much harsher.

He believes that people weak in their sense of personal boundaries is the cause of mob violence:

This is how genocides and atrocities happen through compliance, as individuals defer their own personal response-ability and value systems to the mob/gang/army/government.

Broadbent explains what he terms as ‘a witness process’, where, back to Socrates, one examines beliefs, assesses values and gains self-awareness.  This, he claims, induces a process separate from normal inner dialogue.

In Man Unplugged Broadbent uses statistics clearly indicating work has to be done to help males adapt to modern society to understand and prevail over violence, paedophilia and suicide that is currently widespread throughout all levels of society.  There is no condemnation, just pragmatic solutions on how to redefine stereotypical ideas of masculinity, how to be self-aware and live an authentic life.